Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
