I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's shark week go big or go home
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
