it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Randomize
