Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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