I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
