I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
