i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
