I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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