Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
