i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
