Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
