Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
