She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
