What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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