I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
if only i could text you this smell
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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