Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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