On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
