you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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