Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sex in the backyard? Check.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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