Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
