The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
