I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
