Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
