How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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