im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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