Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize