I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
