when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You left your phone here
Wait...
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