I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize