i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
not ubering you a puppy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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