Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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