Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
