you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
