It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
