what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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