so that wasnt chicken after all
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
