I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
