My liver just broke up with me...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
