Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
