Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i already hear my dad disowning me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
