He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
