So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
