Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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