Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
