Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
