oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
