Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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