I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
