I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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