UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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