We should be called the Road Head Warriors
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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