we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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