I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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