Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize