Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
