Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
