My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
