ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
