I heard we made out
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
