nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
