how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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