I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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