Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
