So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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